The Witch Showed Herself Today

Yes, you read the title. My AF (Aunt Flow) visited this morning at 10am, our first IUI had failed. I wish we had went back the day after for the second IUI. If budget wasn't a problem, sure, we will certainly have another $325 to spend but with all the Christmas presents, hosting 7 celebrations at our house, our son's 10th birthday coming up next month AND a big trip coming up next month (we're also treating my mom and my MIL (mother in law) to the trip), we just don't have the budget this month for anything else. We're lucky we even got one IUI done this month.

I spotted yesterday hoping it was IB (Implantation Bleeding) but I knew it wasn't, I was in denial. I was already 12dpo (12 days past ovulation) and usually IB happens 6-10 dpo. Plus, I usually spot a day before AF. I was in major denial.
Today, I burst into tears immediately and still sobs on and off. It was such a crappy day. On top of that DH (Dear Husband. Ahem! He's so NOT dear anymore!) was being so insensitive, he had to argue w/ me over something sooo pity, my eyes were so swollen b/c I couldn't stop crying, all I did was lay in bed and cry my eyes out. I really needed his support at this time, not argue with me about some stupid pity thing. If I tell you, you'll be like WTF? Yes, THAT pity.

I figure my DH, family and friends don't know about this website so it's just easy for me to vent and not bother my love ones with my stupid problems and needs.

This is so damn difficult, it's our 18th BFN (Big Fat Negative). Every month, the 2WW (two week wait) is the worse. I had so many sleepless nights b/c that's all I think about. I swear I average around two hours a day the past two weeks.

Honestly, I thought this was our BFP (Big Fat Positive) month. The first day I took out my OPK (Ovulation Prediction Kit), I was tested positive with LH Surge so I thought it was a good sign. I called my fertility doctor right away to schedule the IUI for the next day b/c what luck, DH was off. I thought it was THE perfect timing! If everything go according to the plan, I will be able to announce our pregnancy on my 30th birthday and our EDD (Estimated Due Date) would be right before our son goes back to school. Such perfect timing. But nope, God said no. It was not His timing.

Since I've done the OPK, I also started to do the BBT (Basal Body Temperature). I'm supposed to do that along with OPK a few months prior when I first met with the fertility doctor but I didn't. Basically, what I do is check my temperatures daily before I step out of the bed and record it on Fertility Friend.
I also started going back to What to Expect forums. I quit the site a little over a year ago b/c I didn't want to think about TTC (trying to conceive) but I do every month anyways, I just can't help it. I'm glad I'm back on board b/c there are so many ladies that are so supportive! You always thought you had it bad but you'll read that some ladies had it much worse and still standing strong and have so much hope.

I had a feeling it wasn't our month when my temperture started dropping the past three days. You can view My Ovulation Chart (November 23, 2009 Cycle 18) and my gut feeling was right even though I had my usual PMS syptoms - cramps, bloated, fatigue, sore BB, along with new symptoms such as gassy, constipated, enlarged BB, breaking out, craving chocolates. Sigh. I was looking at every little symptoms, driving myself completely insane. I've been addicted to the What to Expect forums and my chart ever since. I've become this OBSESSIVE I-Want-a-Baby Crazy Woman. Seriously. That is all I think about.

I wake up, temp. Go on forum. Do my daily responsibilities and bake tons of holiday orders this month. Check to see if I have any pregnancy symptoms, then chat with ladies on the forum to see if this is my month and support them hoping they'll get their BFP soon. Every day for the past 2 weeks. I gained so much weight from lack of sleep, loads of eating junk and stressing out. Seriously, you can call me "pound cake" b/c my face is as round as a pound cake now. I feel so ugly. I feel ugly inside out. Just ugly ugly ugly! I hate feeling so damn crappy!

I just hope I'll get over this pain and bitterness quickly, in time to celebrate Christmas. I can't believe tomorrow is Christmas eve. I have so much to do and all I focused on the past 2 weeks was "am I pregnant?". I gotta snap out of this today, after this entry!

I'll vent, get over it, move on and try again. I know everything's going to be okay. As long as I keep telling myself that, it will be fine. Everything will be okay. We will be blessed with a baby soon, this is just not our month.